Grief, you are sneaky

It's been a little over two months since my dad died. It is hard to describe the sadness and loss. It changes you. Navigating grief is tricky. It sneaks up on you  if you resist it, it gets worse. Sitting with it and knowing that if you work through it, the sadness will go through you instead of consume you. I have so many friends, and relatives that know exactly what I am talking about, but I am just learning to know grief. I often see little reminders that remind me that my Dad is close. He continues to play tricks on us. There are little reminders on a daily basis. It just really doesn't seem real that he isn't right down the street waiting for me to come bring him a treat, or visit with him. 

Grief, I've learned, is really just love. It's all the love you want to give, but cannot. All that unspent love gathers up in the corners of your eyes, the lump in your throat, and in the hollow part of your chest. Grief is just love with no place to go.-Jamie Anderson

One thing that has brought me comfort, is the daisy. I love daisies so much. daisies are a happy flower. I've always had daisies in my yard and so have my Mom and my Aunt Jean. Daisies became special to our family and are also a reminder that there is life after death. Here's the story. 

My Aunt Jean had one son, my cousin Matt. Jean was divorced when matt was little. Our family has always been close, and we got to spend a lot of time together. Matt was one of my best friends. We were close in age and he was at our house a lot. We always had fun conversations and even hung out as teenagers. Matt served a mission in Coventry England. He had a companion that was from Nevada. When Matt got home from his mission, he went to work in Nevada with this companion. Sadly, Matt was killed on the construction site in an accident. As you can imagine the pain and sadness my Aunt Jean felt was almost unbearable. She had a big patch of daisies in the front of her house. The daisies had bloomed and were ready to be trimmed for winter. One morning when she went outside and there was a single daisy that grew up right in the middle of the previous bloomed daisies. It was a reminder that there is life after death. This has always stayed with me. Now I love daisies for lots of reasons. They make me happy and they remind me that there is life after death. I wanted to share this story with you. I hope that if you ever need a reminder that there is life after death, you will remember this story. 

I know I will see my Dad again. I know there is life after death, but for now I will just look for the reminders and know that he is close. 

When you forgive you in no way change the past, but you sure do change the future

In February I read a quote about forgiveness. I was prompted to put it in my phone for my talk. I started a note and then kept adding to it. I thought I would probably be speaking in sacrament. When President Funk called me and asked me to speak in stake conference, I already knew the topic would be on Forgiveness.

In President Nelson's conference talk "The Power of Spiritual Momentum" Suggestion number 5 he states to end the conflict in your personal life. He says "I repeat my call to end the conflicts in your life. Exercise the humility, courage and strength required both to forgive and to seek forgiveness. The Savior has promised that if we forgive men their trespasses, our Heavenly Father will also forgive us. I hope that there is somethin in my talk that helps you to end the conflicts in your life. 

Sometimes the word forgiveness brings up feelings that make you feel like you aren’t good enough or causes you to feel pain. In reality, forgiveness is the greatest gift you can give yourself. Forgiveness isn't always instantaneous, in my case it took 17 years, Forgiveness is freeing up energy once consumed by holding grudges. We need time to work through pain and loss. We can find all manner of reasons for postponing forgiveness. Yet to delay causes us to forfeit the peace and happiness that could be ours.

Typically in any story, there is a villain and a victim. The villain has control of your emotions, and the victim is miserable. Handing things as a victim is not the healthiest way to navigate forgiveness. My first forgiveness story takes us back 25 years. I was newly divorced from someone that was making bad choices. I decided I didn't want to live that way and we should both go or separate ways, or so I thought. I truly thought it could be cordial, and that we could co-parent, and that it would be ok. I was so wrong. When there is anger, frustration and hard feelings, there is no way  to be cordial. Little did I know it would take years and years for that to happen. There was lots of anger from my ex-family. It didn't matter what I did, I was wrong in their eyes. They took their sons side, like they should have, however they took all of his choices out on me. Needless to say I hated my ex and I hated his choices. I hated how he spoke to me. I hated how he hated me. I was bitter and angry and it was literally consuming me. I learned that if you pray for the person you were trying to forgive for 21 days in a row, you would forgive them. Well I kind of laughed because that was the last thing I was planning on doing. I hated him and that was all there was to it. Months went by and I kept wondering if that would work. I decided at the first of the year that I would start calling the temple and put his name on the prayer roll. I would have loved to be a fly on the wall, because the first time I called, I could barely say his name into the phone. I wasn't very happy and the hate was still consuming me. I made myself call every day. I couldn't call on Sunday or Monday but Tuesday through Saturday, I would call and put his name on the prayer roll. Slowly my heart started to soften. I was thinking about other things and not letting the hate consume me. I then started to put his Mom's name on the prayer roll, then his sisters, and his Dad and his wife. I continued putting their names on the prayer roll for years and years and actually I still to this day continue. 

Fast forward 15 years to my daughter's wedding reception. I seriously would have never thought that we could host an even together or ever be in the same room together. I always had this on the back of my mind. I wondered how his sisters would treat me, and how his parents would treat me. Would all of those years of them blaming me, and not looking me in the eye really be ok? My heart had been changed, softened and healed, but had theirs? I can truly say that the healing was on both sides. It started with his Mom writing me a little note that said "A lot of time has passed, a lot of feelings have left. I want you to know I love my grandkids and you are a good mom." It took 13 years for this letter to come. The power of prayer is real. One of my ex sister in laws helped me decorate at the wedding, and make decorations for the reception. She was an important key in this healing process. The night before the reception me and my ex decorated and it was fun. The night of the reception during the Dad-Daughter dance, my ex made eye contact with my husband and called him over during the middle of the song. He gave him a hug and told him thank you for being there when he couldn't be and turned the dance over to him. That moment made me realize that Heavenly Father is aware of us. He knows what we need and that we we need time to heal. I did my part and then the miracle of forgiveness did the rest. If you pray for someone that has hurt you, betrayed you, or anything else to make you sad, you will find peace and understanding. you will be able to move forward and you will heal. 

I changed my story from being a victim to realizing I knew how to forgive. I also thought that since I had that figured out, that I wouldn't have to use this skill except to forgive small things. 

A couple of years ago a new villain came into my life. My daughter was struggling with her mental health and someone that was supposed to be her friend became a villain. I knew I could forgive, but I was caught in the trap of being the victim. It was easy to blame him for all of the hurt I was feeling. It seemed like if I held onto the anger, and hurt, I could prove what he did was wrong. By holding on I was preventing the Savior from doing the exact thing he suffered for. I found that failing to forgive magnified my pain. It felt easy to blame this villain for my pain. It felt easy to blame this villain for my pain. It was actually making it so I was not moving forward, I was losing sleep, and I was miserable. It was time to let go. The pain and hurt and responsibility of someone else's actions, isn't meant for me to carry. That's God territory. 

This felt so personal. It felt like i should know how to just let go, and maybe start praying or start putting his name on the prayer roll, but I had to seek the help of a professional. I had to put in a lot of work. I had to learn how to find compassion in a situation that I was feeling so angry about. Once I saw my situation with compassion, I could let go of the blame. I changed my thoughts about this person. I was able to truly forgive him. I have felt the most amazing peace. The miracle of forgiveness is truly the greatest gift. 

·        Forgiveness is to let go of blame for a past hurt. 

·        Forgiveness is not condoning a wrong. 

·        Failing to forgive magnifies the pain. 

·         I had to humble myself and pray for help, and let the spirit soften my heart. 

·         I learned patience, and that forgiveness sometimes takes a long time. 

·         I learned how to welcome His healing power in my life. 

·         I learned how to leave the past behind, and I chose to forgive. 

·         I gave the responsibility of judgement to my Savior. 

·        I learned that Heavenly Father loves the person I called the Villain, as much as he loves me. 

·        I learned that there is power in prayer. 

·        I learned that some situations require professional help. 

·        Once I could forgive I was able to feel the most amazing peace. 

·        I learned that through a difficult trial, we learn a lot about ourselves. 

·        I learned that the vail is thin and there are literally chariots of angels that rush to protect us. 

·       I learned that Heavenly Father orchestrates it so that he can bring people into your life to help you with your trials. 

It can be difficult to find the strength to forgive but the Savior and His atonement make it possible. Forgiving others is truly the greatest gift you can give yourself. I have felt its power and peace. I know that Heavenly Father hears and answers prayers. God is a God of endless forgiveness and endless repentance and offers endless healing. As we allow forgiveness into our souls, we are partnering to bring the Savior's power into our lives. 

My Hope is that the forgiveness we seek is large enough to include forgiveness not only of ourselves but also of others. 

I have felt the peace that comes when you forgive and know this peace is there for you too.