Grief, you are sneaky

It's been a little over two months since my dad died. It is hard to describe the sadness and loss. It changes you. Navigating grief is tricky. It sneaks up on you  if you resist it, it gets worse. Sitting with it and knowing that if you work through it, the sadness will go through you instead of consume you. I have so many friends, and relatives that know exactly what I am talking about, but I am just learning to know grief. I often see little reminders that remind me that my Dad is close. He continues to play tricks on us. There are little reminders on a daily basis. It just really doesn't seem real that he isn't right down the street waiting for me to come bring him a treat, or visit with him. 

Grief, I've learned, is really just love. It's all the love you want to give, but cannot. All that unspent love gathers up in the corners of your eyes, the lump in your throat, and in the hollow part of your chest. Grief is just love with no place to go.-Jamie Anderson

One thing that has brought me comfort, is the daisy. I love daisies so much. daisies are a happy flower. I've always had daisies in my yard and so have my Mom and my Aunt Jean. Daisies became special to our family and are also a reminder that there is life after death. Here's the story. 

My Aunt Jean had one son, my cousin Matt. Jean was divorced when matt was little. Our family has always been close, and we got to spend a lot of time together. Matt was one of my best friends. We were close in age and he was at our house a lot. We always had fun conversations and even hung out as teenagers. Matt served a mission in Coventry England. He had a companion that was from Nevada. When Matt got home from his mission, he went to work in Nevada with this companion. Sadly, Matt was killed on the construction site in an accident. As you can imagine the pain and sadness my Aunt Jean felt was almost unbearable. She had a big patch of daisies in the front of her house. The daisies had bloomed and were ready to be trimmed for winter. One morning when she went outside and there was a single daisy that grew up right in the middle of the previous bloomed daisies. It was a reminder that there is life after death. This has always stayed with me. Now I love daisies for lots of reasons. They make me happy and they remind me that there is life after death. I wanted to share this story with you. I hope that if you ever need a reminder that there is life after death, you will remember this story. 

I know I will see my Dad again. I know there is life after death, but for now I will just look for the reminders and know that he is close. 

When you forgive you in no way change the past, but you sure do change the future

In February I read a quote about forgiveness. I was prompted to put it in my phone for my talk. I started a note and then kept adding to it. I thought I would probably be speaking in sacrament. When President Funk called me and asked me to speak in stake conference, I already knew the topic would be on Forgiveness.

In President Nelson's conference talk "The Power of Spiritual Momentum" Suggestion number 5 he states to end the conflict in your personal life. He says "I repeat my call to end the conflicts in your life. Exercise the humility, courage and strength required both to forgive and to seek forgiveness. The Savior has promised that if we forgive men their trespasses, our Heavenly Father will also forgive us. I hope that there is somethin in my talk that helps you to end the conflicts in your life. 

Sometimes the word forgiveness brings up feelings that make you feel like you aren’t good enough or causes you to feel pain. In reality, forgiveness is the greatest gift you can give yourself. Forgiveness isn't always instantaneous, in my case it took 17 years, Forgiveness is freeing up energy once consumed by holding grudges. We need time to work through pain and loss. We can find all manner of reasons for postponing forgiveness. Yet to delay causes us to forfeit the peace and happiness that could be ours.

Typically in any story, there is a villain and a victim. The villain has control of your emotions, and the victim is miserable. Handing things as a victim is not the healthiest way to navigate forgiveness. My first forgiveness story takes us back 25 years. I was newly divorced from someone that was making bad choices. I decided I didn't want to live that way and we should both go or separate ways, or so I thought. I truly thought it could be cordial, and that we could co-parent, and that it would be ok. I was so wrong. When there is anger, frustration and hard feelings, there is no way  to be cordial. Little did I know it would take years and years for that to happen. There was lots of anger from my ex-family. It didn't matter what I did, I was wrong in their eyes. They took their sons side, like they should have, however they took all of his choices out on me. Needless to say I hated my ex and I hated his choices. I hated how he spoke to me. I hated how he hated me. I was bitter and angry and it was literally consuming me. I learned that if you pray for the person you were trying to forgive for 21 days in a row, you would forgive them. Well I kind of laughed because that was the last thing I was planning on doing. I hated him and that was all there was to it. Months went by and I kept wondering if that would work. I decided at the first of the year that I would start calling the temple and put his name on the prayer roll. I would have loved to be a fly on the wall, because the first time I called, I could barely say his name into the phone. I wasn't very happy and the hate was still consuming me. I made myself call every day. I couldn't call on Sunday or Monday but Tuesday through Saturday, I would call and put his name on the prayer roll. Slowly my heart started to soften. I was thinking about other things and not letting the hate consume me. I then started to put his Mom's name on the prayer roll, then his sisters, and his Dad and his wife. I continued putting their names on the prayer roll for years and years and actually I still to this day continue. 

Fast forward 15 years to my daughter's wedding reception. I seriously would have never thought that we could host an even together or ever be in the same room together. I always had this on the back of my mind. I wondered how his sisters would treat me, and how his parents would treat me. Would all of those years of them blaming me, and not looking me in the eye really be ok? My heart had been changed, softened and healed, but had theirs? I can truly say that the healing was on both sides. It started with his Mom writing me a little note that said "A lot of time has passed, a lot of feelings have left. I want you to know I love my grandkids and you are a good mom." It took 13 years for this letter to come. The power of prayer is real. One of my ex sister in laws helped me decorate at the wedding, and make decorations for the reception. She was an important key in this healing process. The night before the reception me and my ex decorated and it was fun. The night of the reception during the Dad-Daughter dance, my ex made eye contact with my husband and called him over during the middle of the song. He gave him a hug and told him thank you for being there when he couldn't be and turned the dance over to him. That moment made me realize that Heavenly Father is aware of us. He knows what we need and that we we need time to heal. I did my part and then the miracle of forgiveness did the rest. If you pray for someone that has hurt you, betrayed you, or anything else to make you sad, you will find peace and understanding. you will be able to move forward and you will heal. 

I changed my story from being a victim to realizing I knew how to forgive. I also thought that since I had that figured out, that I wouldn't have to use this skill except to forgive small things. 

A couple of years ago a new villain came into my life. My daughter was struggling with her mental health and someone that was supposed to be her friend became a villain. I knew I could forgive, but I was caught in the trap of being the victim. It was easy to blame him for all of the hurt I was feeling. It seemed like if I held onto the anger, and hurt, I could prove what he did was wrong. By holding on I was preventing the Savior from doing the exact thing he suffered for. I found that failing to forgive magnified my pain. It felt easy to blame this villain for my pain. It felt easy to blame this villain for my pain. It was actually making it so I was not moving forward, I was losing sleep, and I was miserable. It was time to let go. The pain and hurt and responsibility of someone else's actions, isn't meant for me to carry. That's God territory. 

This felt so personal. It felt like i should know how to just let go, and maybe start praying or start putting his name on the prayer roll, but I had to seek the help of a professional. I had to put in a lot of work. I had to learn how to find compassion in a situation that I was feeling so angry about. Once I saw my situation with compassion, I could let go of the blame. I changed my thoughts about this person. I was able to truly forgive him. I have felt the most amazing peace. The miracle of forgiveness is truly the greatest gift. 

·        Forgiveness is to let go of blame for a past hurt. 

·        Forgiveness is not condoning a wrong. 

·        Failing to forgive magnifies the pain. 

·         I had to humble myself and pray for help, and let the spirit soften my heart. 

·         I learned patience, and that forgiveness sometimes takes a long time. 

·         I learned how to welcome His healing power in my life. 

·         I learned how to leave the past behind, and I chose to forgive. 

·         I gave the responsibility of judgement to my Savior. 

·        I learned that Heavenly Father loves the person I called the Villain, as much as he loves me. 

·        I learned that there is power in prayer. 

·        I learned that some situations require professional help. 

·        Once I could forgive I was able to feel the most amazing peace. 

·        I learned that through a difficult trial, we learn a lot about ourselves. 

·        I learned that the vail is thin and there are literally chariots of angels that rush to protect us. 

·       I learned that Heavenly Father orchestrates it so that he can bring people into your life to help you with your trials. 

It can be difficult to find the strength to forgive but the Savior and His atonement make it possible. Forgiving others is truly the greatest gift you can give yourself. I have felt its power and peace. I know that Heavenly Father hears and answers prayers. God is a God of endless forgiveness and endless repentance and offers endless healing. As we allow forgiveness into our souls, we are partnering to bring the Savior's power into our lives. 

My Hope is that the forgiveness we seek is large enough to include forgiveness not only of ourselves but also of others. 

I have felt the peace that comes when you forgive and know this peace is there for you too. 

Would you cross the ocean?

Lately everything in my news feed has been about loving others. This quote popped up today and it's perfect. 

I also read this story about a homeless man that went out of his way for a stranger. The part that stood out to me is when he said “the truth is that I wouldn’t have even thought about helping him until he went out of his way for me”. Here is the story as told by Tony Biggs the author...

This is Jesse, he is a drifter who live near the bridge in my area. He owns nothing but a bike, a bird and a bag with about 10 items. Yesterday, while I was riding my bike down around the beach, I got a flat tire. I had no choice but to turn around and walk my bike the long walk home.
A few people rode by and didn't really pay me any attention and I didn't expect them to, but as I started walking, headphones in my ears, I noticed the homeless guy from under the bridge saying something to me. At first I thought he was going to ask me for something so I popped my headphones out and asked him what he wanted.... He then replied "I don't want anything bro but I've got a new tube in my bag and you can have it if you want Shocked at first, I said no thanks but he insisted. So I walked over the his little clearing where he had his things and his pet bird sat in a busted cage. 
He opened up his empty bag and gave me the tube (which was one of the very few things he had) helped me change the tire, even pumped it up. I asked him how I could pay him back and he said to me "don't worry about it bro, this is what it's all about. 
The enormity of this situation and the fact the he went out of his way to help me was so humbling. I mean this guy was willing to give me his stuff and didn't want anything in return. To you and I, a bike tube would probably net mean much but to a guy with so little this item must hold enormous value.
I could go on and on about how selfless this guy was to give me, a total stranger, clearly in a much better position than him, some of his possessions...While people like us are so selfishly attached to all our useless crap.
Anyway I just wanted to show you a pic of Jesse with his new Versace lenses, some fresh shoes, a full belly and a cold beer....
Felt good to do something for the dude. I also bought him a couple of weeks worth of food and some seed for his bird.
Man he was ecstatic even had tears in his eyes and couldn't thank me enough. But amidst me sitting there proud of my good deed, and him singing me praises, I suddenly felt pretty bad because the truth is, if he didn't go out of his way to help me, I wouldn't have done anything for him. I ride past this guy all of the time and never even think twice. It really knocked me off of my high horse. Even though we sit around with all of materialistic needs and pass judgement, this dude has something that none of us can buy. I guess what I'm trying to say is thanks for the lesson in humanity. 
Tony Biggs 

I hope this touched your heart like it did mine....Let's go out and change the world by loving everyone!

Time...

Time is something that you can give someone that you will never get back. Time has a way of healing. We all have the same amount of time in each day, and when we give some of our time to others, we are blessed. Time is the most valued gift I can think of. Time is the most precious gift you can give.Time is what it takes to make something wonderful. Time is precious. Time is what it takes to help us to grow. Time can make someone feel important. Time can pass quickly, or slowly. It can be used poorly and can cause regrets, or it can be used wisely and bring blessings. Time can soften hearts, and strengthen testimonies. Time can bring people together and create memories. 

There's time alone, and alone time. Wasting time and time to study. Family time, summer time and vacation time. Time is cherished, and sometimes kept to yourself. 

You hear the saying that it was the perfect timing. You may have a goal in mind, and you know it will take time. Once thing is for certain, time will pass either way. You will either accomplish the goal or the time will pass you by. Time passes quickly, you don't even notice it until it begins to show. 

I've told you my forgiveness story, and about how time softened and healed hearts. You can read my story here http://smallthings2.blogspot.com/2016/12/the-miracle-of-forgiveness.html One of my greatest blessings is truly learning how to forgive. If you are struggling with someone, pray for them. Forgive them! Some people will never like you because your spirit irritates their demons. You still have to forgive them. When you hold onto hate, it's like drinking poison and wishing the other person would die. I've been there and it is so destructive. I promise if you will take the time to truly pray for that person, you will be able to forgive them. Forgive them not because they deserve it, but because you deserve peace. 

2nd chance for a first impression

I started this post in 2017, however I thought it was worth finishing and posting. 

Last week was interesting. I was at Smith & Edwards and Santa was there. You could take a picture with him using your own camera or just sit by him and tell him your Christmas wish. There were a couple of kids that were mesmerized by him and they were really happy that he had a real beard. One little girl started singing with him and he sang along. There was a little girl in line that loved his "real beard". I even decided to sit down and tell him what I wanted for Christmas and had my picture taken. I posted it online and my daughter saw it and thought he was a scary Santa. She only saw the picture and didn't have any of the information that I had. I have thought and thought about this. Isn't it interesting that we look at someone and base our opinion of them based on how they look on the outside? I know this isn't always the case, however I know I am guilty of this. This Santa was such a kind soul. He was so happy to play the role and interact with the kids. Often times we trust someone who looks professional and other times there's trust put into a wolf in sheep's clothing. Judging comes way to easy, when our hearts should be full of love. Let me remind you, I am guilty of this. 

In 2016 for #LighttheWorld the challenge was to show humility. One of the ideas was to talk about a time you were wrong about someone. I kept thinking about this subject and decided to write this post about it. I decided a few years ago that I wouldn't base my opinion of someone based on what others have said. Often a first impression is wrong. I hope that I can see others through different eyes. There's so much information about just loving someone. I'm going to work on this and my hopes are that you will too! 

Was it a coincidence?

Last week I went to El Matador to get chips and salsa to take home. When I walked in the door, there was a gentleman there picking up chips and salsa. I placed my order and then waited. The previous gentleman walked back and asked for another order. He stated that he was taking the salsa to a celebration for his grandson that had just returned from an LDS mission. We both waited in the lobby. There was another gentleman who told the gentleman waiting for salsa that he looked familiar. He stated that he was in construction and worked for Nilson homes, and introduced himself as Bruce Nilson. They talked about the grandson and how he had just returned from his mission. Mr Nilson stated that he had served an LDS mission in the 60's in Australia, and then stated that recently a young missionary had just died in Australia. The gentleman pointed to the other couple in the lobby and said, oh yes and right there are his grandparents. Mr Nilson showed so much kindness to this couple it was so neat to listen and watch. On the way there, I listened to a talk by Elder Rasband titled by Divine Design. It talks about how sometimes seemingly small coincidences are really by divine design. Heavenly Father can put us in situations with specific intent in mind. He is in the small details of our lives and those incidents and opportunities are to prepare us to lift our families and others.

My story doesn't stop with just overhearing a conversation. I attempted to contact Mr Nilson through his construction page on Facebook. I sent a message with no response. I could tell the message had been read, and yet no response. I decided to send a second message with no response. 

Fast forward one week....

I made a couple of stops after work. One stop was to Costco. I had a few things on my list, and then decided to wander for 5 minutes. When I started walking to the cash register, Mr Nilson was walking toward me. We made eye contact, and then I realized that it was him. I turned around to go and find him. I asked him if he picked up chips and salsa for his grandson the week prior. He stated that yes, that was him. I told him how I was trying to contact him and tell him thank him for being so kind. It was truly an honor to listen to his conversation and watch him comfort the missionaries family. I told him how I listened to the talk about divine design, and that it was important to me to tell him thank you. Everything had to be just right so that I would see Bruce at Costco. I love that because it was important to me, it happened. 

Was this just a coincidence? No way!

So you feel invisible?

I have been thinking about this for a while. It might be my mom heart, or maybe it's just part of my gift to try to include everyone. As I listen to the people around me say they feel alone, it makes me sad. So many people feel like they don't have any friends. Kids can be mean, and they don't usually try to include everyone. If you are a teenager, try to include everyone. Elderly people feel like they don't have purpose. Have you ever tried to say hello to an elderly person at the store? Usually they light up and for one second they feel like they matter.  

Think back to a time where you had to walk into a new space, new activity or maybe even a regular activity. Were you met with welcoming eyes, smiles and warmth, or were you met with glares, rolling eyes and a cold shoulder? Sometimes we feel like everyone is staring and wondering why we are there. Eye contact makes someone feel included, but withholding eye contact can signal exclusion. If you find yourself in a situation where you feel like you are invisible or rejected, remember how you feel at that very minute. In the future when you are in familiar territory and someone new walks up looking for acceptance, be the person you needed in that situation. Remember how it feels to be rejected, or excluded so that you can help someone to feel included. We all want to belong and be welcomed, and made to feel seen. Do you realize that it only takes one person to take away that feeling of being invisible? Life gets busy and we get into our comfort zones but don't ever forget that you the power to change lives. You can use your hands as a voice! Use your hands to serve! Reach out to others.Never let someone feel alone in a crowd. There's room for everyone. 

My work theme for 2018 is "Together".  I have been thinking about this all day. Did you know that you can take someone from outsider to insider, from outcast to included member, from feeling invisible to feeling loved. Don't underestimate the power you hold as ONE person to save the life of another. All it takes is to notice. You can ask others to join you, send a text to invite. Sometimes you may feel like you are hugging a cactus, but that's ok because you can instantly make a difference. While some will teach you who you DON'T want to be, others will teach you who you DO want to be. Together we can make this world a better place. We can be Heavenly Father's hands and be the answer to a prayer.